First of all I’d like to apologise for both me and Emily’s prolonged absence from this blog. We haven’t really been up to much other than re-decorating our personal Tumblrs every now and then. But then again, we only really have two followers.. so, I guess we’re not really disappointing too many people. 

Today, as my ass was sitting on Tumblr as every other day this summer.. I realised that I have to go back to school on Wednesday. This is kind of a problem because my sleeping schedule is pretty… pretty much opposite of normal people. I’m basically nocturnal. Starting school again will also be a big problem because I absolutely hate going to that scholastic prison every day for nine months out of the year. It’s like my own, personal Hell.. well, me and all the other gangsters that haven’t dropped out yet. Another reason why I’m dreading this school year is because I have no friends. Whatsoever. That’s why I’m always on Tumblr. But, I don’t really have an excuse to have no friends because I’m going to the same school I did last year and the year before with people I went to grade school with. I guess me being socially awkward is my excuse.. but, I mean, still, it’s pretty pathetic. 

I’m sorry this isn’t funny. I just felt rather obliged to post something on here since we’ve both been gone for so long. But don’t you kiddies worry though, I’m sure as son as school starts I’ll have plenty of shit to bitch about. You kids are in for a real treat.. Maybe. 

-Anna

Anonymous asked: have u eva licked a battery?

I can’t say I have. But I think I speak for both Emily and I when I say that we’ve licked a penis.

-Anna

1.) Makeup. It’s simple, the goal is to make your face look like a much better version of the original. Actually, you may as well just make yourself look like someone completely different.

2.) This is big. And expensive. Fake boobs. And a fake ass. Guys don’t like girls who are all natural. Step one should have pretty much taken care of that.

3.) Act like a fucking retard. Don’t use big words, don’t talk about intellectually stimulating things. Don’t try to make jokes, however, laugh at his. You know what? Juts don’t talk at all. Giggle, play with your hair, and act really impressed with everything he does. 

4.) Wear promiscuous attire. You want to be at least 65% naked. Don’t forget your perfume, the key is to acquire as many different kinds of perfume and then drench your entire being with all of them. You want to smell like a whore. Guys like sluts. 

5.) Said previously, men adore sluts. Act like one. Practice pole dancing, chair dancing, lap dancing, giving head, and spreading your legs. You might also want to prepare yourself for a three-some because he might ask.

6.) Let him do everything for you. It makes him feel like he’s good for something. 

7.) Don’t have any opinions. About anything. Remember, all girls are good for are cooking and cleaning. Our place in the house is the kitchen.

8.) Just don’t be yourself at all.

Follow these, chronologically or not, and you’ll find success in hooking some man candy. Probably less than thirty days actually.. Happy fucking. And please, wear protection. The last thing you want is a kid. Because I can guarantee you, any man who is attracted to you for the characteristics listed above will not stay with you when you pop a kid out of your vagina. With that being said, have fun out there kiddos.

-Anna

I’ve deleted my Facebook a few times now. Each time I intended for it to be temporary..but this time, I swear it’s permanent. I’m sick of getting lectured and judged by everyone on there. 

In other news, my week has sucked. It started on Monday..and hasn’t really gotten better. I won’t get into it because that’s my personal life. And I probably don’t know you. So that, my friend, is why I never wrote the long blog I promised you on Monday. And for that I apologize. I just..can’t really access my funny bone. Maybe tomorrow. But don’t count on it. Because I’m not making any promises.

But hey, Anna and I have been doing some remodeling on here. So props to that, eh? Those links over there —>….yeah..they haven’t been finished yet. So…clicking them leads to nothing..but hey, click away clicky.

And last, but certainly not least, my brother think I’m part of al Qaeda…

Does the FBI automatically read things that has words like al Qaeda, Terrorist, Bomb, 9/11, etc. in them? If so, and you are a member of the FBI, I apologize for the false alarm.

I’m going to bed.

-Emily.

Yeah. Kissing. It’s often looked at as a romantic thing but I really don’t know why. Why is making your lips touch together classified as showing you like someone? I’m just not entirely sure why kissing is looked at this way. I mean, why? Just…why? I really don’t think the act of kissing was thought through. I’m not complaining about kissing, because, from my experiences, it’s pretty great.. Plus, Emily found out that you burn 26 calories from mackin’ on someone for one minute. It’s a fun thing to do, but I’m just asking why putting your lips on someone else’s is viewed as romantic or what ever..

Okay, so I Googled that shit and what I’ve found is that kissing is kind of act of courtship and through unconscious chemical signals, it helps us choose our “mate”. Philematologists, people who study kissing, have concluded that is was a way for moms to pass on chewed food to their offspring… which is quite disgusting, but that’s besides the point. From what philematologists are finding, kissing means different things to men and women. Of course, girls’ brains are more complex than dipshit men and can think about more than just hitting it and quitting it. Some smart people conducted a study and it showed that women see kissing as an essential. Basically, when women kiss, they try to see a future with the guy their mackin’ on.. whether it’s subconscious or not, it’s what we do. Girls also tend to think of kissing as an essential because it’s kind of like… well, you wouldn’t fuck a guy you’ve never kissed, right? Right..

Men on the other hand, think of a kiss as an end. To sex. At least that’s what the article said.. I don’t really understand what they said there, but that’s what they said. It also said that guys are totally up for fooling around with a girl they’ve never kissed. And where most girls a bad first kiss with someone is a bit of a turn off, guys don’t really give a flying fuck. They’re basically willing to bone anything with a vagina. Bastards. 

While two people kiss, there’s a lot of shit being chemically exchanged that our bodies pick on subconsciously. They found that the saliva of a guy has small amounts of testosterone which is known to make both sexes horny. This is why guys like a sloppier kiss than girls. They wanna get her horny to get in her pants.

The rest of the article just kind of went on to say that when two people kiss, the guy is trying to get the girl horny enough to have sex with him. Which isn’t surprising. So, what have we all learned from this? Men only have one thing on their mind.. and this, my friends, have been scientifically proven. 

-Anna

I had internet at my place of residency for today, so I had a celebratory granola bar and a helping of potato salad.

-Anna

Today, my ass got in trouble for misplacing my lifeguarding suit. I was also screamed at for almost missing an in-service thing for my job. Why did I almost miss it you ask? Because I wasn’t able to log on to Facebook where the invitation to the event was sent to me. I mean, as you all are well aware, I have no God damn Internet.

So, in case any of you were wondering if my parents are still Neo-Nazis, don’t worry.. they still are. And because I can’t deal with my parental units’ bullshit anymore, I have hatched a plan to get emancipated. (Spelling)? Emily has volunteered to look for cool places for me to inhabit on Craig’s List. I mean, hey, if I look on Craig’s List, maybe they’ll throw in a free male stripper for me. Emily and I also discussed living in a hotel. Just because there is a slight possibility of free TV and wifi. But seriously, I could really be livin’ the suite life. Next thing you know I’ll be on some giant ass boat with a black man and a stupid Asian. Stupid Asians are a rarity. But yeah.. that’s about as much action as I have to report for now. Oh yeah, and I also stole a swing.

-Anna

Hey kids… As Emily said, my Internet will be absent for the rest of the summer. So, that’s pretty shitty, eh?

As Emily also said, I can get wifi at Off the Leaf all the damn time.. so if you guessed that that’s where I am now, you are a fucking genius.

An update… let’s see here. Well, I’m planning on saving up for a laptop I can take with me to Off the Leaf every now and then. And by now and then, I mean all the damn time. I’m also going to be investing in a sleepig bag and will be talking to the manager of Off the Leaf about my residency there. If I suck him off, it’s basically a done deal.. so no worries there friends.

As for my jobs… yes, plural. One is going swimmingly, no pun intended, and the other is a bag of tits. For three main reasons: The boss of my bosses hates me. The boss of my bosses talks shit about me to my bosses and other lifeguards. The boss of my bosses has a very heavy influence on the amount of hours I get each week. This week, I have a grand fucking total of nine hours. So, that shit’s peachy, no? I think I’m going to be quitting there soon.. so to ensure I still make bank, I’ve applied for two more jobs. One, I haven’t gotten a call yet.. so basically what that means is it’s a lost cause. The second, I may start in August. Can I get a “Fuck yeah!”? [:

Also, I’ve converted to Emily’s robot smiley faces.

-Anna

 1.) If you don’t wear sun block, you will more than likely get burned by the asshole UV rays of the scolding sun.

2.) If you’re in a heavily clorinated pool, your skin will most likely crack due to the lack of moisture in it.

3.) Sunglasses are helpful when spending approximently 56 hours in the sun.

4.) Lotion is helpful when spending approximently 27 hours in a heavily clorinated pool.

5.) The sun, as well as heavily clorinated pools, can be.. and most likely will be bitches to you.

6.) Men are assholes.

7.) Gas prices are outragous.

So, if most people already knew this… would someone like to explain to me why I have been pwned by all of them? My guess is either someone didn’t email me the God damn memo.. or I am really…. just that retarded. Thanks…

-Anna

Anonymous asked: Well I'm eating chocolate and reading your blog, and about to leave for soccer. Do I really have to ask you a question? (;

If you want us to keep talking to your Australian ass you do.

-Emily

Guess who has fucking pink eye. If you guessed me, good job. Because yeah, my eye looks like a radish. So..I guess I’ll be sporting the glasses for awhile. Which will totally compliment my temporary abstinence from the straightener. AND, I’m avoiding makeup for awhile…because my skin feels better without it. AND, since it’s summer, and I have neither a job nor a social life, I’ve basically been living in Soffes and sweatshirts. So hey, yeah, if you’re thinking to yourself, “Man Emily, you must really look like shit,” then you’re a pretty smart person. Because I do. But I’m comfortable. So you can go fuck yourself.

Also, I have two drafts that I’ll probably finish up tonight…so you have that to look forward to.

-Emily.

Today, while guarding the lives of a number of white trash-to-be and ghetto children at the local kiddie pool I had a thought.. This thought was a spin-off of my desire to become a famous musician once I graduate… if I graduate college. Or high school for that matter. Anyway, I realized that in order to achieve that status faster, I need to be one hot mama. So, this means I need to be skinnier, have a bigger ass, and bigger boobs. And nice legs. After I had this epiphany, I decided I would need a Plastic Surgery Fund. Anna’s PSF… if you will. I was brought back to reality by some bitch ass kid splashing me with the coldest damn water I have ever felt in my entire life. I swear to God, it was imported from the coldest parts of the Earth and/or universe. 

I also wrote a song for my very good friend, Josh, and as Emily and I like to refer to him, Joshwell. Since I’m actually a little bit proud of what I wrote, I decided to share the lyrics with you… all three of you. So, here they are…

I told you..

That I would write a song for you.

Well, I certainly tried.

Needless to say to you…

I drew a blank. 

And I swear to God, I sat here for a million years and thought:

“Joshua.. or Joshwell,

What do I write to you my dear?”

Well, I don’t know..

So, let’s take it slow,

‘Cause I swear to God I’ve sat here for a million years and all I’ve got is:

Joshua.. or Joshwell.

You drive me crazy, oh man, yes you do.

So, what am I to do with a boy as wonderful as you?

And that’s it. It’s obviously the work of a novice and kinda stupid, but hey… it’s the thought that counts right? And as you also may have noticed, there’s really no structure to it.. it just kinda came out. Like babies do. And if you have any criticism for the lyrics, I’d love to hear it.. but if you’re hypercritical and an asshole about it, you can just go ahead and bite me for all I care.

-Anna